Why am I going???

So our leader for this trip, Tim, asked us to write him a letter explaining why we were going, what our expectations are, what our fears are, and what our strengths and weaknesses are. As I was writing this, I thought this may be something that everyone should see. Although it is terribly personal, it explains my motives, the process that brought me to this awesome opportunity and it reveals many ways in which you can lift me up in prayer.

I am going to take a deep breath and post this- I trust that my open heart will be safe in your reading.

"I knew the moment we boarded the plane back to the US that I had left a big piece of my heart in South Africa. I have had this incredible and overwhelming desire to go back, but I wanted to be sure that I went back on God’s timing. I went to Romania the following summer, thinking that the hype of Africa might have just been the thrill of overseas missions. But things were very different. I loved the kids we ministered to and our team was great, but I couldn’t help thinking the whole time about “my babies” in Africa. I was constantly thinking about how it would be if I were there. I knew by the end of that trip that I had found my heart’s song- South Africa. I was discouraged that nothing came about the following summer, but I trusted that the Lord knew when I was supposed to go.
In October of this past year Africa was on my heart a lot. I prayed that God would open doors and guide me to where He wanted me. I sent out five messages to people and organizations, which had ties to Africa, to see what opportunities were available. A month went by and I heard nothing. I was confused. God had given me such a strong desire to follow His call for our life to GO but yet all I could see was darkness.
On Christmas Eve I was cleaning, but had a lot on my mind. I ended up on my knees crying out to God and asking for Him to either open a door or damper my strong desire. That night, I got a response. Tim Berger, the man who led my last trip, sent me an email telling me of an opportunity to return. I was astounded, and Satan came to attack and give way to doubt. Was I really supposed to go? How could I ever raise enough support? Would I be able to leave my babies again to come back to the states?
Shortly after the email a guest speaker, who was a missionary in Africa, spoke at my church about how single young women should be in the mission field. “OK God,” I thought. “I see your pointing and direction, but I’m still just not 100% sure.”
At a conference with the junior high students that I help lead, a few weeks later, their final call to the students was to go out and do big things for God even if you are young. Win people for the Lord. I knew then that even thought this message was aimed at the kids, but God had designed for me to hear “Megan, GO!!!” With my decision to go came lots of attacks from Satan about finances. A group from my church returned from India on a missions trip, and before I had left for church that morning I had asked God for confirmation, because even after all He to show His will to me, I still had doubts. One of the ladies had struggled too about finances and staying strong while in India. She referenced a passage from Matthew 5:3 about God blessing those who realize their need for Him and that the only thing to do is to trust God’s plans.
That being said, my motivation for going is simply to follow God’s very clear direction to go back to love on “my babies”. I am fearful aobut how I may react. I’ve seen it before, but sickness in children is hard to accept. I so desperately want to see some of the kids from three years ago, but especially Leeolo. I don’t even know if he is still at the clinic but I think about him everyday. I think about how different his life here in the states could be. The special needs services available to him in the states could change the outcome of his life. I’m fearful that he might have passed away and how that will effect me. I know that I am going to fall in love with these kids all over again, but my first little loves will always be there. I fear that my expectations and comparisons to the first trip may change how I look at the second trip. I was a very different person in South Africa in 2007 than what I normally am. I am normally loud, bubbly, crazy, and outgoing, yet on that trip I was quiet, reserved, and hardly spoke to anyone. I found myself distancing myself from the others. Although I grew so close to God and saw how much I rely on others for comfort, I wish I could have made some lasting friendships with the other girls on the team.
My expectations for myself on this trip is that I put fear and trust issues aside and just be real and be my fun God loving self. I expect God to move in me and through me doing what I do best- simply loving. I am a little fearful aobut how God will change me on this trip. I came back so changed from the last trip that I don’t know where God will move in me. I feel that my strengths are my ability to love quickly, especially with children. I have genuine love and work hard at just letting Christ radiate through that love. I am a hard worker which comes from growing up on a farm and being my dad’s right had woman. I like to do the job right- some may call it a little bit of “perfectionism” . I love to capture moments on film, so that on a hard day back in the states I can look at my babies and remember how blessed I am and how much I love them.
I do struggle with trusting others. I build walls and put on a happy face. I am working on remembering that even though I have been hurt in the past that doesn’t mean people now will hurt me purposefully- especially other Christians. I struggle with confidence- another trait I’m still working on. At times, Satan is really able to take my focus off of what it should all be about and place it elsewhere. I ams working with God on that one too. I am also very emotional and sensitive at times. This characteristic can be a good quality, but at times can also be a bad one. "

22 DAYS UNTIL WE LEAVE!!!!!! I have lots of clothes, but we are still collect them too. Hopefully I will be getting an email from Tim with more details in the next couple of days.

I'm so excited I think I'm going to go dance around my living room!!!

Thank you Lord for such awesome opportunities to serve you!!! :) PTL!!